Zoolander 2: The Review

[WARNING! ACHTUNG! ADVERTENCIA!: Definite Spoiler Alerts Ahead. Read at your own RISK]

Hi there, ye who came across this blog as one of the search engines pop ups  after searching for "Zoolander 2 free online streaming" (cheapskate!). After years -literally years-since my last movie review, I have decided to rekindle this dying category and do a review on a movie I watched exactly less than 30 minutes ago... Zoolander 2, starring, Dumb, Dumber and Moron.

For those of you who remember, there was a little known movie that was released in 2001 (*GASP* 15 years ago!!) starring Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell, Owen Wilson and a slue of other actors called Zoolander. This move was basically about a materialistic and non-intelligent male model Derek Zoolander who took the fashion world by storm with his similar exactly the same I mean seriously all these looks are the same "various" looks aka Blue Steel  and Magnum to name a few, while successfully stopping the evil villain Jakobi Mugatu from killing the Malaysian (?) Prime Minister and taking over the world.

Zoolander 2 is all that minus the Malaysian Prime Minister and the addition of countless numbers of guest celebrities making it a mess. The first movie was really funny and served the purpose of entertaining the audience. Sadly, I can't say the same for the sequel. Talk about the over excessive use of celebrities! Every scene in the movie had a familiar famous face! Even Penelope Cruz, who I assumed went extinct with the dinosaurs, resurfaced as one of the lead characters! The plot of the movie basically revolves around Derek Zoolander having to save his (fat) son's life from the evil Jakobi Mugatu who escaped from prison in the most ridiculous fashion- yes a maximum security fashion prison.

The movie starts off with news of Zoolander being old news and irrelevant in the fashion world especially after his ill named learning center was destroyed due to poor maintenance resulting in teh death of his wife. He then disappears from the world and lives in exile somewhere. One fine day he receives a visit from Billy Zane who convinces him to model at a runway show by Mugatu's beau Alexanya who looks like a human version of diarrhea. So he teams up with the Hansel of lesser fame and get humiliated during the show. Zoolander and Hansel are then approached by B-list actress Penelope Cruz who also works for INTERPOL and are hired to help catch  someone who has been killing off the 'beautiful' people in the world including Justin Bieber (who dramatically gets shot at the beginning and dies after choosing the right Instagram filter for his selfie) to get the fountain of youth in their blood. A couple of feel good moments get thrown in and Zoolander now pledges to look for his son...

... who turns out to be less "cool" than he expected and also is the fountain of youth. As the movie progresses, we find out that Mugatu has been in cahoots with human diarrhea in kidnapping Zoolander's son, literally fattening him over the years at some makeshift orphanage just so that he can sacrifice him to a materialistic fashion designer cult (consisting of famous names such as Alexander Wang, Anna "The White Witch" Wintour, Tommy Hilfiger and several more). So in the end, the whole fountain of youth ideology was made up by Mugatu who simply wanted to gather all the designers in one place and kill them including his nemesis Zoolander's son. Nevertheless more revelations ensue as we find out Alexanya is actually Milla Jovovich fro the first movie, Mugatu's pet poodle is a dummy and Justin Bieber is a terrible actor. 

Overall I'd give the movie my personal rating of 5/10 simply because too much has been done to try to make it funny. Excessive puns, the overuse of celebrities and terrible jokes are the main focus of the movie. Zoolander is a far better movie than Zoolander 2, period. If you are thinking of watching this movie, then I'd recommend that you watch it in the confines of your own home by your illegally downloaded copy. 

The Lone Ranger Review

[WARNING! ACHTUNG! ADVERTENCIA!: Potential  Spoiler Alert Ahead. Read at your own RISK]

He blew my mind away with the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. He made me believe that pirates aren't the dirty, scurvy invested, dangerous beasts that they are usually portrayed as but are rather cool and a tad dimwitted. He is legend. (I don't mean Will Smith) He is ... Jerry Bruckheimer! Hello readers and welcome to today's installment of movies reviews that I usually do once in a million years (to be honest, I only do it when there's a movie that is worth my harsh criticism or immense praise). The movie that I will be reviewing is another epic installment by the wonderful Jerry Bruckheimer which-

Wait, What? You...You...You don't know who JERRY BRUCKHEIMER is?! Where have you been living in the past few years? On planet Secludron! or was it planet Away-From-Civilisationdron?! I mean, nobody can live this long and still have a blank face when the name Jerry Bruckheimer pops up! That's insane! Well, because I'm too shocked (and mildly disgusted) that a majority of you do not know who JERRY BRUCKHEIMER is... I hope >>>This Link<<< will save you from this shame.

The movie that I have decided to review is the recently released The Lone Ranger.

This movie stars Armie Hammer (the really hot guy who played the Winklevoss twins in the Social Network), Johnny Depp (who needs no introduction unless you came from those two planets that i mentioned before), William Fitchner (that cruel looking CIA guy from Prison break), a really ugly female co-star (played by Ruth "Messed-Up-Face" Wilson), Helena Bonham Carter, some Texan Hillbillies and a couple of unnecessary Asian stereotypes. Usually, I don't watch movies that combine the wild west with some Apache nonsense but the Lone Ranger, despite having all that, still went ahead and with the direction of Jerry Bruckheimer- the movie was amazing. Everything about the movie clicked so well! There was humor, gore and a lot of other things that just made you forget the fact that Johnny Depp was in it.

The storyline of the movie begins with a gay-ass looking kid (pink lips and all) without any parents who happens to be at a carnival. So this kid (we do not know his name throughout the movie), who looks like the kind of kid who doesn't listen to his parents, wanders into a tent that has a bunch of lifelike displays. He majestically stops at the one which has (of all people) Johnny Depp looking like last year's prune. So being the token annoying kid, he starts asking annoying questions about the Indians (The Comanche Red Indian, not the ones that we get our extensions from in India) and the Lone Ranger. Then old, and withered Johnny Depp (aka Tonto the Comanche) starts telling the tale of the adventures that he had with the Lone Ranger (aka Armie "McGorgeous" Hammer aka John Something).

Because I'm not a asshole, I won't write down every single detail of the movie but I will promise you laughs and maybe tears when watching it. This is one of the few movies that gives you entertainment plus a history lesson that is more exciting than what they teach in school. So all in all, if I had to rate this movie out of a 10, I would rate it as follows:

Characters: 9/10 (I really wanted to give it a 10, but then I had to take away 1 for the really ugly female lead)
Plot: 9.5/10
Location/Set: 10/10 (Where does Jerry Bruckheimer find these places?!)
Special Effects: 8.5/10 (Some of them did not make sense...)
Directing: 10/10
Props/Makeup: 10/10 (They managed to make William Fitchner's face look worse than Paula Deen's racist slur!)
Price: 9/10

So I hope you have the chance to watch the movie as well as the interest to do so after reading this post. So Happy Watching! 

Skyfall: Disaster or Delicious?

Hello readers! Today's post is my full fledged, no holds attack.. ahem.. I mean, criticism of the new Bond movie Skyfall which was recently released. To be honest, I lost interest in the Bond movie franchise ever since it was taken over by the ever so wrinkled and sperm-dried Daniel Craig. It lost all appeal and sexy suddenly became old, blond and wrinkled. Fine, I have to admit that for his age his body is just delectable and surprisingly fit, but that doesn't make up for the lack of tact and suaveness required of James Bond. In all honesty he just killed the role and movie. Unlike the first two movies, Skyfall is bludgeoned with more stupid movie cliches than necessary. For instance when the bad guy was caught at the beginning and they were all like "Finally, we copped his ass!". Little did they know that getting caught was part of his stereotypically sick agenda.

Of all the bond girls I actually liked Olga Kurylenko. She was by far the best and sexiest bond girl in the Daniel Craig series. Naomie Harris on the other end always looks like she just came from smoking a cliff while offering her allegiance to Jay-Z. There's just something about her lazy eyes and drunk expression that puts me off. When I watched the movie and then saw this Bond girl, I wanted to regurgitate all the carbon dioxide in the air because it was like Transformers 3 all over again; when they recasted the  leading lady with Rosie Huntington-Whitely who- when compared to the plastic enhanced Megan Fox- resembled last night's leftovers.Oh Olga Kurylenko, please return to being the Bond Girl. :( 

To sum up this pointless review, The movie lacked novelty, the main character lacked fitter abs (his "abs" looked like the salmon I had last night), I was still confused on how the inclusion of Javier Bardem as the villain helped enhance the shit that was the movie and yeah, it was terrible. Frankly speaking, the best thing about the movie was the song, Skyfall by Adele. It is simply amazing and very harmonious. I love it so much.

To read more useless reviews (quite like mine) you may click on these links to read them:

• Here and
• This One

If you want to hear something that is worth your time and will actually save your hearing here you go (click on the link to listen):

Skyfall by Adele (iTunes)

Skyfall by Adele (for the cheapskates- FREE DOWNLOAD)

Once again, this is simply a review of WHAT I THINK of the movie. Don't be a moron and take it seriously. You may watch the movie (at your own risk) and procure your own opinion. 

PS: An opinion means I can say whatever I want. If you hate it, suck on it. If you disagree, go smoke a tree.