Things NOT To Do After A (very messy) Breakup

Hi bloggers and beautiful readers and random creeps who stalk this blog! This article is probably long overdue but there is a reason why I want to write about this now. I have been single for almost 3 years now and this has given me a lot of time to analyze myself deeply. It just occurred to me that after my ex and I broke up, I did a number of  things that make me cringe when I think about it now. Also another reason I decided to write this is because once and for all my breakup goggles are off. But what are breakup goggles you ask:

Break-up Goggles: These are figurative (or invisible) goggles that one wears immediately after a breakup and see the world as a depressing place while losing the will to die and/or function.

We all go through breakups, some messy and some similar to the battle scene in 300. But there are ways to properly handle a breakup. I could have just given you a list of things to do after a messy breakup but I realized that there is already an abundance of those lists lying around the World Wide Web. I have come up with 6 helpful tips on things to avoid after going through a messy breakup.

1. Eat Everything

I know, I know, it's really hard not to eat when your life has been turned upside down by the person you thought you were going to have kids with but chill with the snacks! Yes, food was and will always be your best friend in harsh times but for f*ck's sake, this isn't the Depression ok? It's just a breakup! Eating won't bring him back nor will it make you feel better in the long-run. Drinking too, so drinking yourself into oblivion won't change anything except damaging your liver for some guy/girl you broke up with. When you notice your waistline increasing then that would be an eternal reminder of that time your broke up with [insert name here] and ate yourself silly. Also unless you want people to start making Free Willy jokes or Godzilla memes inspired by you- easy on the food. Eat in moderation and remember, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. 

2. Listen to Non-Motivational Music

There are many songs and artists that fall into this category. Some of the more prominent artists that fall into this category are Taylor Swift, Adele, Frank Ocean, and Kelly Clarkson.

These people have sung too many songs about breaking up and Taylor Swift's songs have even encouraged several revenge hints too. Some songs that are good to avoid in this situation are:

- "Boston" by Augustana,

- "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce

- "Song to Say Goodbye" by Placebo

- "F*ck it (I don't want you back)" by Eamon 

- "How Could You Bring Him Home" by Eamon

- "Someone Like You" by Adele

- "40 Kinds of Sadness" by Ryan Cabrera

- "A Little Too Not Over You" by David Archuleta

- "All Good Things (Come to an End)" by Nelly Furtado

- "Leave (Get Out)" by JoJo

- "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie

- "Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz

- "Come Back to Me" by Vanessa Hudgens 

- "Come Back to Me" by Utada Hikaru 

- "Forget You" by Cee Lo Green

Of course there are more songs but these are only the tip of the depression iceberg. Also, refrain from Marilyn Manson, Black Sabbath or any Satanic music that advises you to perform a sacrificial ritual as a form of revenge. 

3. Stalk his Social Networks

Look, it doesn't matter whether he broke up with you because you were suffocating him, or that he did it because he fancies another woman-do not stalk him! Speaking from experience, after we broke up I stalked his Facebook profile right after he changed his relationship status to single and then started monitoring his page to see if any girls would post messages on his wall. All I could say was that it brought me nothing but misery and distress and thinking back, I wish I'd never done it at all. Trust me guys, it's not worth it seeing e.g. Stephanie* posting on your ex-boyfriend's wall/timeline about what a great time she had with him today and could they do it again soon? or Lucas* posting the same thing your ex-girlfriend's wall/timeline. Live and let die, live and let die. 

4. Use breakup quotes, lyrics and poems as the central focus of your status updates. 

We've all done it. We've all posted status updates that very clearly, heck obviously hint at your ex. Whether it was how "I don't need you and can live without you" poems or "Exes are like an appendix- they seem important but aren't" quotes or even "there's plenty of fish in the sea" bullshit, just don't make him/her the central focus of your updates! 

And the worst part is that these insults are so thinly veiled that Stevie Wonder can see them from a mile away! Its these kinds of posts that show your friends and your mutual friends with theirs that: YOU. CLEARLY. HAVEN'T. MOVED. ON. YOU. SAD. PATHETIC. CREATURE. It would be great to stay away from Facebook after the breakup (I know it's hard but just try as hard as you can) to allow some time to cool off and think clearly.

5. Let yourself go

This is the most common behavioral change that one undergoes after a breakup- they stop caring about their appearance, health and overall body image. You have to understand and remember that you did not exist to please your (now) ex-partner. The way you looked before you met them was due to your effort, concern and actually giving a shit about yourself and how you seem to others. Wearing sweatpants and frequenting dark alleys is NOT the way to go. People usually do this because they are convinced that they will nobody will like them so why should they care how they look? For the love of Mike, get off the point of no return and start climbing back to the pedestal of your life. Smelling like you use Chuck E. Cheese as your deodorant doesn't help either. So please, go back brush your teeth twice a day, using proper perfume/deodorant and looking less like Hagrid (for the men) or Peppermint Patty (the females). 

6. Start a new relationship/meet someone new and expect them to commit 

Remember that guy/girl you met a week ago who bough you a drink, danced with you and exchanged numbers with you? And then you guys met again after a week and hooked up and said drunk "I love yous'" and cuddled until the next morning? After that he/she added you on Facebook/Twitter and you notice that he/she recently uploaded photos of them kissing other girls? And then you went on a rant and confronted the, about it and they pointed out that you guys aren't dating so why are you freaking out? Then you blocked him/her and never spoke to them again? Fucking hell, if you recognize this scenario then you have most likely gone through it. Leaping onto a new relationship straight after you've suffered a messy breakup is called a rebound because your feelings right then and there are less than sincere. You either want to fill that empty hole left behind by your ex or you happened to get along with this new person at the wrong time. Just take it slow and be friends for a while before getting into something serious. 

I know that messy breakups are very tough and really difficult to get over but with time a patience you can definitely do it. If you have any breakup stories you'd like to share with me, just drop me an email in the form below and I will try to help you as much as I can. 

Disclaimer: Everything written here is solely based on my experience and doesn't apply to everybody so don't get all fucked up if it doesn't work out for you. Fucking hell! 

Life Cycle of a University Student

Hello readers! I know it has been a while since I've posted anything for that matter but This time, I come prepared. I hope you noticed the photo above because it's a reflection of what I will be writing today. This photo is courtesy of a university webpage which I will not mention and it stars a stereotypical representation of some ethnic groups in order to make university seem like a cultural experience whereby everywhere you go, you will see a lot of students of different ethnicity traipsing around making light conversation. Today's post is pretty much related to my life and is an illustration of the 4 years that I have endured (and suffered) in university. Now, just because this was written by me doesn't mean that it will necessarily reflect what you all have or will be going through  in college/university. It's just a basic post to share what I felt and to see whether you all relate to this story at all. Unlike all those other blogs or advice columns sugarcoating the real college experience, I intend to tell it as it is with limited sugarcoating and glittering generalities. Before I begin, I would like to acknowledge that my university has three academic years and that each academic year won't be broken down into several excruciating detail- instead I will talk about it in general to spare you the useless details.Now, there are four stages, each for the 4 years and those are (in this order); Anticipation, Excitement, Fatigue/Post Anticipation and Surrender/Loss of Interest.

** Note: Also as i write this post, i am visibly gloating at all the first year students simply because I am a cruel and vindictive wench and mostly because I've graduated and they still have a long way to go.

1. Anticipation Stage

This is the preliminary stage in anybody's university experience.This is the very first time you feel extremely excited to start a new chapter in your life. All those years of watching 90210, Saved by the Bell ,21 Jumpstreet and any stereotypically misleading TV series/movies have finally paid off and have prepared you to face the magical world of University (or college as it is commonly referred to in the USA). Some people even consort to making personal vows to be a much cooler/better person in university than they were in high school. It is at this stage that you outline your university goals and aspirations and also whereby you create a very unrealistic set of criteria that people would have to meet in order to qualify to be your friend. This was exactly how I pictured university, a place where dreams can come true and where true love can finally be found. Thanks a lot Hallmark! You totally helped me realize my hopes and dreams and college aspirations as well. Stupid. So then your first month basically involves cruising here and there trying to take everything in and indulging in this wonderland full of people who don't even have time to chill with you and don't seem interested in being friends with you. For that whole month, you end up hanging out with a girl you either met during orientation week or is a classmate of yours. Oh, and remember that list of criteria you made at the beginning? You kinda f***ed that off. The main reason why this stage is known as anticipation stage is because a lot of people are actually anticipating the college/university life. Hey, remember all that binge drinking and house parties advertised on TV as included in the whole university package? Well that's another lie because the only pong you'll be playing is "book pong". Also a certan culture shock will happen here (but this depends on where you actually went to college and whether it was really that different from your place of origin). This stage usually lasts 6 months to a year (2 semesters) until it finally wears off and gives way to the second stage which is...

2. Excitement Stage aka Pre-Bragging stage

During this stage, you would've already surpassed the foundation stage (this usually occurs during your first year of University). The reason why this is the excitement stage is because newer and hotter students start to pile in and your extremely small circle of friends start to expand and ultimately you have so many friends that you even forget their names. This is the stage whereby you've ditched all those boring and compulsory foundation courses and opted for courses which you can choose... all on your own... without the university being responsible for it.

Also here is where you usually decide what you would like to major in and which boy/girl would be the victim of your stalking from now until you graduate. This person of interest is usually someone you either ignored during the first stage or found cute and then after seeing them a lot, disregarded that. Feelings that you will experience during this stage are what's left of the preliminary anticipation, excitement, love-drunkenness** and periodical happiness. Another name for this stage would be the Pre- Bragging stage and this is because this is the stage where you start bragging to those below you (that would be the juniors) about how you've made it so far and how your GPA is rising higher than Mount Everest or sinking lower than the Dead Sea. In actual fact, most students (usually weak minded juniors) end up withdrawing from their respective universities  and carting themselves off to a more prestigious university whereby their oil rig owning father's status has some influence on their university social status. GENIUS! Peer pressure is another common thing faced here as you would begin to realize that everyone belongs to a clique (to find out which cliques you belong to, >>>CLICK HERE<<<) and that you need to get into a clique or risk ending up a loner! In this stage, you don't just stick to one clique but end up trying to decide which ones really suit your image.After brainwashing you with all that, let's move on to stage 3,


3. Fatigue/Post Anticipation 

Remember what I said about the whole GPA rising thing in the second stage? Well in this stage you can strike that out because your GPA starts dropping lower than Beyonce on a strip pole. Which won't be so surprising considering you would've decided to join into some Student Council or Debate club or anything equally boring. If so, why would you join them? Because this is the stage when you realize the value of extracurricular activities, Star Points and certificates. Basically all the aforementioned help increase your chances of getting great jobs/internships or escaping while you still can from the institution.Then there's still the issue of getting a real life, good 'ol college boyfriend/girlfriend, YEE HAW! Which is also very hard (that's what she said!) considering the new intakes are much younger than you and dating one of them would probably categorize you in the potential cougar category. The most important thing that could ever happen in this stage is that you start being really serious and motivated about your studies in an attempt to raise your GPA higher than Wiz Khalifa. Dating has been shunned and socializing has been kept to a minimum. The primary feelings that you will experience in this stage is post anticipation and fatigue. Without sounding like a remake of  your friendly neighborhood doctor, post anticipation is caused by high levels of residual anticipatory behavior that had been abandoned by the second stage. Meanwhile, fatigue is caused by the amount of work that you would have to undergo plus the effort that you would have to go through to increase your GPA. Now that I have clouded your mind with useless jargon, glittering vocabulary and polished shenanigans, we shall move on to the final stage in a university/college student's life which is...


4. Surrender/Loss of Interest

Yeap, exactly like the ending to X-Men: The Last Stand. The most important thing about this stage is that it is the final stage before feeling the blast of freedom beyond the crippling and prison-like demeanor of university/college. This stage usually happens during the final year of a typical undergraduate's 4 year university tenure. There are a number of  reasons why you have feelings of surrendering and the main ones are:-

• You are fed up of seeing the same classmates again , 
• Tired of having the same teachers teach you different subjects (including the ones you hated during your first three years and gave them a terrible evaluation and thus awkwardly have to see them again), 
• You are constantly being reminded that you are a single old fart who will graduate without a boyfriend/girlfriend and is most likely going to die alone, 
• You hate the food (the food starts to taste like sandpaper and you spend your days contributing to your body fat by ingesting McDonalds and Pizza and any fast food)
• You're tired of the repetitive assignments (and due to this you start to recycle other assignments from other classes with a few alterations here and there)
• You're this close to flinging your fancy schmancy smartphone at the wall if it ever wakes you up at 7am.

Quite frankly,  that's a longer list than I expected to write but I'll let you find out the rest for yourself. Feelings of losing interest usually accompany each and every one of the aforementioned. Nothing is more interesting to you than finishing everything and getting the hell out of university already. Trust me, after a while, you will sit down and contemplate on everything you miss about the place (even the half assed, Meanie McMean head of Department you despise + that uptight midget Statistics lecturer who hates you for no reason).

Girls and Guys, this post is only a mini rendition of what I went though during my 4 years of college.university and hopefully some of you can relate to that (Don't judge me Ok!) and I wish you all the best if you are still in university (ha di ha ha) or planning to start university (ha di ha ha twice) or have graduated (hot damn! Welcome to the club, foo!). From your friendly neighborhood Sass Mistress, xoxo.

Before I actually leave, I would like to give you a pictorial idea of how you would end up looking like before and after 4 years of college/university.

Trust me: The Owl Knows Best.

xx