The Stalker Series: Summer Glau

Hello readers and bloggers alike and welcome to another installment of The Stalker Series! This week, we have the talented, gorgeous and ever so youthful, Summer Glau! For those of you who're wondering who she is, get the hell out of that silly cave, you neanderthals and snap back to reality because Summer is the SHIT! Most of you might recognize this multiracial beauty in Transformers the TV series (although I still think she would make a much better replacement for that dowdy looking Rosie Whiteley in the movie) and at the end of the Sleepover movie. Her most recent project involves playing this cutthroat corporate bigshot on the CW series, "Arrow" so the lot of you would recognize her from there. 

Big eyes, slim figure and badass moves, Summer Glau is just hot! So hot that words cannot describe this woman crush that I have on her. I know that most people are confused by her ethnicity because she has one of those faces that just makes up assume she is of a certain races but really isn't even close to that race. Admit it, you all thought she was Asian right? Or Filipino? Well ladies and gentlemen, Summer Lynn Glau is ..... American! Surprised? So was I. i was expecting her to be at least part Hawaiian with her Polynesian looks but nope, none of that, she is American so deal with it. [In other news, Miley Cyrus has bleached her eyebrows]. Summer Glau is just beautiful, like summer... that has been glau'd :D So as usual, for all your stalking pleasure here are the links to her social pages so you can perve on all her selfies and etc. :

Her Twitter Account

Her Instagram

Some Website

Summer Glau Daily (For Those hardcore Stalkers)

So.. Have fun Stalking!  xx

With Death Comes Fame: RIP Michael Clarke Duncan

Hello readers! Please be shocked that I'm actually playing Obituary and posting about a death of a celebrity (something I never really do unless I'm looking for some publicity for my blog.. which isn't what I'm doing now). On Monday the 3rd of September, news that 54 year old actor Michael Clarke Duncan had died was ignored for that day and the twitter messages hash-tagged-RIPMCH and etc. started flooding in the day after which I find pretty stupid. Over the years, I have noticed a certain Fame-after-Death pattern when it involves celebrity deaths.  I mean, I don't think I'm the only one who noticed this pattern. It seems that when you die, the can of worms is suddenly open. Everybody suddenly remembers who you are and all of a sudden you're way mor popular in your death than when you were alive. For instance, when Michael Jackson was alive, the only thing anyone ever remembered about him was "that time his nose fell off in public", not his wonderful music (prior to his 'accidental' skin bleaching**). Or when Vincent Van Gogh was alive, I bet people referred to him as  "that crazy geezer who was so hungry that instead of buying beef jerky, he ate his own ear jerky" but when he died suddenly everyone's rushing to squander millions of dollars onto his artwork that looks like he was painting them with his feet. 

Now with Michael Clarke Duncan dead, everyone suddenly remembers him as "that guy from the Green Mile" and not "that huge creepy black guy from Daredevil" or the more famous "guy from the green Mile whose fame was recently overshadowed by that creepy 50 year old who married that underage blonde bimbo". For those of you who are still missing the point, Michael Clarke Duncan  has passed away (Ad his wife is Omarosa** from The Apprentice). Michael Clarke Duncan from the Green Mile, your time has come and you will be greatly missed. We wish you well in the afterlife and I hope that you meet your Maker. RIP. 

**Rumor has it that according to Michael Jackson himself, the reason why his skin turned out the way it is was that he was burnt so bad that the 'only option' was to bleach his skin. (I'll believe that when Anderson Cooper suddenly announces that his gayness was a joke and that he was really straight this whole time.)

**Omarosa was the embarrassing African-American woman who was a contestant on The Apprentice (Donald Trump's way of saying "I'm too lazy to personally find some employees so I'm gonna let the suckers fight for the job by making a game show and plus I'd rather comb my toupee") and talked way too much. I apologize for her annoyance on and off the show. ut on a more serious note, our deepest condolances. 

xoxo

Sh*t Guys do Before Asking a Girl Out

So there's this girl in your class and you see each other everyday and even talk to each other on a daily basis and sometimes she's the main character of your wet dreams boys, but you still go numb and stutter like a typewriter when it comes to asking her out. What the fuck is the problem? You like her, you're within stalking distance of her... go for it! The mistake that some guys make when trying to ask a girl out is by approaching her at a really bad time and expecting her to give a positive answer and instead get slapped in the face with an immediate rejection. Or another mistake they make is they WAIT UNTIL THE TIME IS RIGHT. Uh... did Christopher Columbus fucking wait until it was "the right time" to discover America? Or did Andres Iniesta wait until the game was over to score the winning goal for Spain in the World Cup? (Yes, I do know something about football...) NO! You know what? Let me list down all the mistakes made by men/boys when it comes to asking a girl out. 

MISTAKE NUMBER 1: ASSUMPTIONS

A very common mistake made by guys before asking a girls out is that they tend to assume her relationship status instead of doing the sensible thing and uh.. investigating! The most common assumption is that because "she is too beautiful to be true she must have a boyfriend", or that "she's too pretty to be with a guy like me". Just because a girl is pretty doesn't mean that she should automatically have a boyfriend (unless this is some new trend I dont know about hm...). She could be all hot and shit but she's single and ready to mingle! So before assuming that she has a hunky, Chris Hemsworth type boyfriend (oh swoon...), do the most sensible thing and investigate! Ask her friends and all that and get what you're looking for! Likewise dont assume she would never go for a guy like you; she might have a queer liking for guys like you or you might even be her type so stop acting like Alvin the Chipmunk on Advil. 

MISTAKE NUMBER 2: WAITING

If there was a penny for the number of guys who wait for a girl to make the first move or wait for the right time, I would be a fu**king millionaire! Too many guys fall into this category and the statistics show that these guys are f*king idiots for doing so! I mean, seriously? If you wait for her, its like waiting for the next Halley's Comet to pass by. And most people dont know this but according to a research conducted by yours truly involving her very willing friends and colleagues, the attractiveness of the one you crush on has a scale. the longer you wait for her, the less attractive she becomes and the more likely your interest in her will waver and diffuse onto someone else (usually someone better looking). 

MISTAKE NUMBER 3: WORD RAPE

"Uh.. hey [insert name of love interest here]... Uh, I think you're really pretty... and so gorgeous. You have really nice hair and really pretty lips... would you, like to go out with me sometime?" This line will be rewarded with a large IGNORE sign and the privilege of being number 1 on her list of people to avoid. 

"Hey babes... I couldn't help but notice how beautiful you are. Your lips make Angelina Jolie's look like a man's, your eyes remind me of [insert compliment here], your body has more curves that a crinkle cut fry, your sexiness...[continues with more compliments]" You wouldn't be better off with this line either. This would get you a one way ticket to I DONT KNOW YOU town which is right next to LOSERVILLE. These two lines are just a pea in a pod of lines which are referred to (in my terms) as word raping. Its like raping her with your words and then subconsciously forcing her to agree to go out with you to repay your favor. She feels like you're attacking her with your lips, like you're raping her with your compliments. Many guys tend to do this not realizing that you come off sounding fake and that you just seem like a player. 

[Word Raping: (noun) The act of bombarding someone with an Everest of compliments and making them feel obliged to reciprocate your "kind words" in any way.] 

And the worst and perhaps the deadliest mistake any and all guys usually make is....

MISTAKE NUMBER 4: CONFIRMATION
This is when a guy immediately confirms that just because the girl of his interest has glanced at him on several occasions, she (OMG) likes him! Dude, calm your balls. She could've glanced at you for just that reason- its a freaking glance and probably doesn't mean anything at all! Or maybe she spotted something utterly disgusting on your face and keeps glancing to check if you have noticed and are making any effort to get rid of it. There's a difference between a glance and a stare- Google it. Because of this most guys tend to rush into it and ask a girl out without even confirming that she likes him back.

So readers those are the top four common mistakes that most guys tend to make when asking a girl out. Physically. In the eve of next week, i will post a similar post but it will be related to online dating. Stay tuned and don't f*k around!

XOXO

 

The Stalker Series: Jessica Lowndes

Hello everyone! Following my recent laziness to update my blog I decided to post at least one post every week. Hm.. sounds fair doesn't it? So in a series of blog posts, i have decided to create a new series called the Stalker  Series. the Stalker Series is like a mini series about some celebrities -male and female- that I either envy, crush on, or have an affinity towards. Enter the life of me that is filled with 13-year old dreams and 50 year old delusions. Evidently, the Stalker Series wont be as creepy as TMZ or as pathetic as PerezHilton.com. So for today's episode, the celebrity that is fortunate enough to be my object of affection is... (as the damn title suggests) Jessica Lowndes. For those of you who are not familiar with her click on this fabulous link ------> en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jessica_Lowndes  and a timeline of her life shall unveil before your eyes (plus unnecessary information about her highs and lows but i guess if you want to know the important bits you can always log onto this website ------> perezhilton.com/tag/jessica_lowndes/).

To give you a pictorial description of this fine specimen:

Jessica Lowndes

Now Let me describe what a beauty she is. Jessica Lowndes is like Megan Fox + Angelina Jolie + Mila     Jovovich on the scale of ridiculous hotness. I first saw her in Beverly Hills 90210 (the remake with the thinner and more anorexic cast who act like they're on prozac 24/7 ) and hat was when I had a temporary lesbian crush on her and that developed into a permanent heterosexual crush on her. I mean, what's there NOT to like? She's gorgeous, she has a bubbly personality (even though she played the role of an utter bitch on the show) and the best part is that she's not skinny! That gives a great message that you dont have to be skinny to be beautiful. I mean she's not the typical hungry looking celeb, she's well fit and looks great too! I hoep she doesn't turn out like some celebrities who lose weight and become the equivalent of a chopstick. No wait, chopsticks are fatter than her- right, angel hair pasta- soon to be thin like a needle. So all in all, she's one for whom I would definitely go lesbian for. If I were ever to write a vampire series i would definitely employ her to play the lead vampiress. so stay tuned for my next celebrity crush whose name starts with a H.......... . See ya later, perpetrator!

MUAH! 

XOXO, Jenny.

My middle finger has indeed One Direction!

"Baby you light up my world like nobody else... " (Bitch please, the only one that can light up my life's the sun)

"You got that one thing..." (Yeah, a vagina!)

The annoying sound of five prepubescent boys belting their vocal chords in the hopes of making themselves heard constantly rings across my household on a daily basis. The fact that my two adolescent sisters constantly force One Direction facts into my head (like loyal Directioners) eg. "Did you know Harry has four nipples?" (Yeah, and so do some animals but you don't hear anyone making a fuss about it) or "Niall only has one kidney!" (I know a lot of Hobos and sick people who have one kidney but nobody makes a huge deal about it) or even "Zayn bought a new car!" (Dad just bought a new car, put that on E! too). Yes, sadly, Im stuck in a house full of Directioners. God save me. 

For those who are not familiar on the band and members of the band, let me give you a little introduction on them. Of course I wont give you some Wikipedia thesis on them, This is Jenny's version- REVISED. Overall, One Direction is that band that introduced insulting hits like "What Makes You Beautiful" and annoying beats like "One Thing" (Which definitely has an underlying sexual connotation). They consist of these guys over here:

The only One Direction member who isn't white. I suppose they probably added him  into the group to avoid looking like racists. Vayn (Vain) Malik is one of five sad members of One Direction and two of the three Gay-est members. He is definitely the vainest member and hence he deserves the name Vain Zayn. The only use he has in this band is to uphold their image of being a racially appealing band to the world. (Not that it worked anyway). As an Indian, Vayn has also been blessed with a bevy of thick dark hair which he vainly styles into world monuments and preserves them in a cloud of Hairspray. 

The next member of this ridiculous band is Cant-See Tomlinson. Cant-See is the oldest member of the band and has eyes that makes it seem like he is undressing you with every look. Well.. he isnt as popular as he others so there's really not much to say about him.... I suppose he did express his wish list recently for wanting to buy a fucking monkey (Not not a fucking monkey, a fucking monkey)... Now we know where he got his IQ from.

Ahhh... just when you thought they broke the Boy Band Act of the 1900s! They have a blonde in their group, which is like the basis for every Boy band to be founded upon. Niall Hoe-ran was .. very blonde boy born in Ireland and has been told, resembles Justin Bieber (If they mean mind boggling hair and feminine looks then they're spot on!). Rumor has it he's dating Demi Lovato... OBVIOUSLY she's the perfect target! She's vulnerable, prone to cutting herself and has been to rehab. Perfect candidate for Hoe-rancy. Not much to say about him either...same tart as that Small-Eyes kid. the blonde kid seals the boyband deal. (They could've gotten a leprechaun instead)

PING! And then we have Liam Pain! (Yes the misspelling of the name Payne is intentional). A major Pain in the ass, pan in the guts and also pain to the ears! His sole purpose in the band is to smile and compare himself to the Biebs while flashing his teeth that can be spotted from miles away. His role of being a Directioner also involves lip-synching the lyrics of the song and making pretty boy faces at the camera in their music videos. Major Payne indeed! 

And of course, I have saved the best for last! The creme de la creme of One Direction, the glue that holds the boys together, the driving force behind their creepy smiles... And that honor, ladies and Gentleman, can only got to one person only... Gay-rry Styles! This one is mostly known for his tendency to date women older than him (max. 60 yrs, min. 30 yrs ) who also look like Chewbacca's foot. The most mind-boggling fact about him is  -are you ready for this?- DRUMROLL PLEASE...

..........

..........

... He's a dude. 

I know. I was shocked too. His she-male looks accompanied by his Susan Boyle hairstyle and creepy Barbra Streisand Smile and Milli Vanilli swag. His high pitched wail doesn't help his case at all. But, peeps, he's not a she. He's a he.  Let me give you a moment to absorb that. 

Those five trannys are what makes all the teenage girls have butterflies in their stomachs. Frankly, to me, there;s only One Direction my middle finger can go..... upstairs!

PS: If you are a Directioner and you feel mildly offended by this post, IDGAF. Save it for the comments. 

PPS: If any of you are Non-Directioners, join me in establishing the League of Extraordinary Non-Directioners and we shall eliminate all of these Directioners! Bahahahahah!