Saturday, July 6, 2013

The Lone Ranger Review

[WARNING! ACHTUNG! ADVERTENCIA!: Potential  Spoiler Alert Ahead. Read at your own RISK]

He blew my mind away with the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. He made me believe that pirates aren't the dirty, scurvy invested, dangerous beasts that they are usually portrayed as but are rather cool and a tad dimwitted. He is legend. (I don't mean Will Smith) He is ... Jerry Bruckheimer! Hello readers and welcome to today's installment of movies reviews that I usually do once in a million years (to be honest, I only do it when there's a movie that is worth my harsh criticism or immense praise). The movie that I will be reviewing is another epic installment by the wonderful Jerry Bruckheimer which-

Wait, What? You...You...You don't know who JERRY BRUCKHEIMER is?! Where have you been living in the past few years? On planet Secludron! or was it planet Away-From-Civilisationdron?! I mean, nobody can live this long and still have a blank face when the name Jerry Bruckheimer pops up! That's insane! Well, because I'm too shocked (and mildly disgusted) that a majority of you do not know who JERRY BRUCKHEIMER is... I hope >>>This Link<<< will save you from this shame.

The movie that I have decided to review is the recently released The Lone Ranger.

This movie stars Armie Hammer (the really hot guy who played the Winklevoss twins in the Social Network), Johnny Depp (who needs no introduction unless you came from those two planets that i mentioned before), William Fitchner (that cruel looking CIA guy from Prison break), a really ugly female co-star (played by Ruth "Messed-Up-Face" Wilson), Helena Bonham Carter, some Texan Hillbillies and a couple of unnecessary Asian stereotypes. Usually, I don't watch movies that combine the wild west with some Apache nonsense but the Lone Ranger, despite having all that, still went ahead and with the direction of Jerry Bruckheimer- the movie was amazing. Everything about the movie clicked so well! There was humor, gore and a lot of other things that just made you forget the fact that Johnny Depp was in it.

The storyline of the movie begins with a gay-ass looking kid (pink lips and all) without any parents who happens to be at a carnival. So this kid (we do not know his name throughout the movie), who looks like the kind of kid who doesn't listen to his parents, wanders into a tent that has a bunch of lifelike displays. He majestically stops at the one which has (of all people) Johnny Depp looking like last year's prune. So being the token annoying kid, he starts asking annoying questions about the Indians (The Comanche Red Indian, not the ones that we get our extensions from in India) and the Lone Ranger. Then old, and withered Johnny Depp (aka Tonto the Comanche) starts telling the tale of the adventures that he had with the Lone Ranger (aka Armie "McGorgeous" Hammer aka John Something).

Because I'm not a asshole, I won't write down every single detail of the movie but I will promise you laughs and maybe tears when watching it. This is one of the few movies that gives you entertainment plus a history lesson that is more exciting than what they teach in school. So all in all, if I had to rate this movie out of a 10, I would rate it as follows:

Characters: 9/10 (I really wanted to give it a 10, but then I had to take away 1 for the really ugly female lead)
Plot: 9.5/10
Location/Set: 10/10 (Where does Jerry Bruckheimer find these places?!)
Special Effects: 8.5/10 (Some of them did not make sense...)
Directing: 10/10
Props/Makeup: 10/10 (They managed to make William Fitchner's face look worse than Paula Deen's racist slur!)
Price: 9/10

So I hope you have the chance to watch the movie as well as the interest to do so after reading this post. So Happy Watching! 

0 voice outs: