Monday, July 9, 2012

My middle finger has indeed One Direction!

"Baby you light up my world like nobody else... " (Bitch please, the only one that can light up my life's the sun)

"You got that one thing..." (Yeah, a vagina!)

The annoying sound of five prepubescent boys belting their vocal chords in the hopes of making themselves heard constantly rings across my household on a daily basis. The fact that my two adolescent sisters constantly force One Direction facts into my head (like loyal Directioners) eg. "Did you know Harry has four nipples?" (Yeah, and so do some animals but you don't hear anyone making a fuss about it) or "Niall only has one kidney!" (I know a lot of Hobos and sick people who have one kidney but nobody makes a huge deal about it) or even "Zayn bought a new car!" (Dad just bought a new car, put that on E! too). Yes, sadly, Im stuck in a house full of Directioners. God save me. 

For those who are not familiar on the band and members of the band, let me give you a little introduction on them. Of course I wont give you some Wikipedia thesis on them, This is Jenny's version- REVISED. Overall, One Direction is that band that introduced insulting hits like "What Makes You Beautiful" and annoying beats like "One Thing" (Which definitely has an underlying sexual connotation). They consist of these guys over here:

The only One Direction member who isn't white. I suppose they probably added him  into the group to avoid looking like racists. Vayn (Vain) Malik is one of five sad members of One Direction and two of the three Gay-est members. He is definitely the vainest member and hence he deserves the name Vain Zayn. The only use he has in this band is to uphold their image of being a racially appealing band to the world. (Not that it worked anyway). As an Indian, Vayn has also been blessed with a bevy of thick dark hair which he vainly styles into world monuments and preserves them in a cloud of Hairspray. 

The next member of this ridiculous band is Cant-See TomlinsonCant-See is the oldest member of the band and has eyes that makes it seem like he is undressing you with every look. Well.. he isnt as popular as he others so there's really not much to say about him.... I suppose he did express his wish list recently for wanting to buy a fucking monkey (Not not a fucking monkey, a fucking monkey)... Now we know where he got his IQ from.

Ahhh... just when you thought they broke the Boy Band Act of the 1900s! They have a blonde in their group, which is like the basis for every Boy band to be founded upon. Niall Hoe-ran was .. very blonde boy born in Ireland and has been told, resembles Justin Bieber (If they mean mind boggling hair and feminine looks then they're spot on!). Rumor has it he's dating Demi Lovato... OBVIOUSLY she's the perfect target! She's vulnerable, prone to cutting herself and has been to rehab. Perfect candidate for Hoe-rancy. Not much to say about him either...same tart as that Small-Eyes kid. the blonde kid seals the boyband deal. (They could've gotten a leprechaun instead)

PING! And then we have Liam Pain! (Yes the misspelling of the name Payne is intentional). A major Pain in the ass, pan in the guts and also pain to the ears! His sole purpose in the band is to smile and compare himself to the Biebs while flashing his teeth that can be spotted from miles away. His role of being a Directioner also involves lip-synching the lyrics of the song and making pretty boy faces at the camera in their music videos. Major Payne indeed! 

And of course, I have saved the best for last! The creme de la creme of One Direction, the glue that holds the boys together, the driving force behind their creepy smiles... And that honor, ladies and Gentleman, can only got to one person only... Gay-rry Styles! This one is mostly known for his tendency to date women older than him (max. 60 yrs, min. 30 yrs ) who also look like Chewbacca's foot. The most mind-boggling fact about him is  -are you ready for this?- DRUMROLL PLEASE...
... He's a dude. 
I know. I was shocked too. His she-male looks accompanied by his Susan Boyle hairstyle and creepy Barbra Streisand Smile and Milli Vanilli swag. His high pitched wail doesn't help his case at all. But, peeps, he's not a she. He's a he.  Let me give you a moment to absorb that. 

Those five trannys are what makes all the teenage girls have butterflies in their stomachs. Frankly, to me, there;s only One Direction my middle finger can go..... upstairs!

PS: If you are a Directioner and you feel mildly offended by this post, IDGAF. Save it for the comments. 

PPS: If any of you are Non-Directioners, join me in establishing the League of Extraordinary Non-Directioners and we shall eliminate all of these Directioners! Bahahahahah!

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