Thursday, March 13, 2014

Things NOT To Do After A (very messy) Breakup

Hi bloggers and beautiful readers and random creeps who stalk this blog! This article is probably long overdue but there is a reason why I want to write about this now. I have been single for almost 3 years now and this has given me a lot of time to analyze myself deeply. It just occurred to me that after my ex and I broke up, I did a number of  things that make me cringe when I think about it now. Also another reason I decided to write this is because once and for all my breakup goggles are off. But what are breakup goggles you ask:

Break-up Goggles: These are figurative (or invisible) goggles that one wears immediately after a breakup and see the world as a depressing place while losing the will to die and/or function.

We all go through breakups, some messy and some similar to the battle scene in 300. But there are ways to properly handle a breakup. I could have just given you a list of things to do after a messy breakup but I realized that there is already an abundance of those lists lying around the World Wide Web. I have come up with 6 helpful tips on things to avoid after going through a messy breakup.

1. Eat Everything

I know, I know, it's really hard not to eat when your life has been turned upside down by the person you thought you were going to have kids with but chill with the snacks! Yes, food was and will always be your best friend in harsh times but for f*ck's sake, this isn't the Depression ok? It's just a breakup! Eating won't bring him back nor will it make you feel better in the long-run. Drinking too, so drinking yourself into oblivion won't change anything except damaging your liver for some guy/girl you broke up with. When you notice your waistline increasing then that would be an eternal reminder of that time your broke up with [insert name here] and ate yourself silly. Also unless you want people to start making Free Willy jokes or Godzilla memes inspired by you- easy on the food. Eat in moderation and remember, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. 

2. Listen to Non-Motivational Music

There are many songs and artists that fall into this category. Some of the more prominent artists that fall into this category are Taylor Swift, Adele, Frank Ocean, and Kelly Clarkson.
These people have sung too many songs about breaking up and Taylor Swift's songs have even encouraged several revenge hints too. Some songs that are good to avoid in this situation are:

- "Boston" by Augustana,
- "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce
- "Song to Say Goodbye" by Placebo
- "F*ck it (I don't want you back)" by Eamon 
- "How Could You Bring Him Home" by Eamon
- "Someone Like You" by Adele
- "40 Kinds of Sadness" by Ryan Cabrera
- "A Little Too Not Over You" by David Archuleta
- "All Good Things (Come to an End)" by Nelly Furtado
- "Leave (Get Out)" by JoJo
- "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie
- "Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz
- "Come Back to Me" by Vanessa Hudgens 
"Come Back to Me" by Utada Hikaru 
- "Forget You" by Cee Lo Green

Of course there are more songs but these are only the tip of the depression iceberg. Also, refrain from Marilyn Manson, Black Sabbath or any Satanic music that advises you to perform a sacrificial ritual as a form of revenge. 

3. Stalk his Social Networks

Look, it doesn't matter whether he broke up with you because you were suffocating him, or that he did it because he fancies another woman-do not stalk him! Speaking from experience, after we broke up I stalked his Facebook profile right after he changed his relationship status to single and then started monitoring his page to see if any girls would post messages on his wall. All I could say was that it brought me nothing but misery and distress and thinking back, I wish I'd never done it at all. Trust me guys, it's not worth it seeing e.g. Stephanie* posting on your ex-boyfriend's wall/timeline about what a great time she had with him today and could they do it again soon? or Lucas* posting the same thing your ex-girlfriend's wall/timeline. Live and let die, live and let die. 

4. Use breakup quotes, lyrics and poems as the central focus of your status updates. 

We've all done it. We've all posted status updates that very clearly, heck obviously hint at your ex. Whether it was how "I don't need you and can live without you" poems or "Exes are like an appendix- they seem important but aren't" quotes or even "there's plenty of fish in the sea" bullshit, just don't make him/her the central focus of your updates! 
And the worst part is that these insults are so thinly veiled that Stevie Wonder can see them from a mile away! Its these kinds of posts that show your friends and your mutual friends with theirs that: YOU. CLEARLY. HAVEN'T. MOVED. ON. YOU. SAD. PATHETIC. CREATURE. It would be great to stay away from Facebook after the breakup (I know it's hard but just try as hard as you can) to allow some time to cool off and think clearly.

5. Let yourself go

This is the most common behavioral change that one undergoes after a breakup- they stop caring about their appearance, health and overall body image. You have to understand and remember that you did not exist to please your (now) ex-partner. The way you looked before you met them was due to your effort, concern and actually giving a shit about yourself and how you seem to others. Wearing sweatpants and frequenting dark alleys is NOT the way to go. People usually do this because they are convinced that they will nobody will like them so why should they care how they look? For the love of Mike, get off the point of no return and start climbing back to the pedestal of your life. Smelling like you use Chuck E. Cheese as your deodorant doesn't help either. So please, go back brush your teeth twice a day, using proper perfume/deodorant and looking less like Hagrid (for the men) or Peppermint Patty (the females). 

6. Start a new relationship/meet someone new and expect them to commit 

Remember that guy/girl you met a week ago who bough you a drink, danced with you and exchanged numbers with you? And then you guys met again after a week and hooked up and said drunk "I love yous'" and cuddled until the next morning? After that he/she added you on Facebook/Twitter and you notice that he/she recently uploaded photos of them kissing other girls? And then you went on a rant and confronted the, about it and they pointed out that you guys aren't dating so why are you freaking out? Then you blocked him/her and never spoke to them again? Fucking hell, if you recognize this scenario then you have most likely gone through it. Leaping onto a new relationship straight after you've suffered a messy breakup is called a rebound because your feelings right then and there are less than sincere. You either want to fill that empty hole left behind by your ex or you happened to get along with this new person at the wrong time. Just take it slow and be friends for a while before getting into something serious. 

I know that messy breakups are very tough and really difficult to get over but with time a patience you can definitely do it. If you have any breakup stories you'd like to share with me, just drop me an email in the form below and I will try to help you as much as I can. 

Disclaimer: Everything written here is solely based on my experience and doesn't apply to everybody so don't get all fucked up if it doesn't work out for you. Fucking hell! 

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