Sunday, September 17, 2017

Fuck, This Hurts...

Pain. Based on my life's experience a human being can experience many different types of pain. Pain of the mind, pain of the eyes, pain of the body, pain of the soul, pain of their limbs, pain of losing a family member, pain of losing a loved one, pain of your favorite soccer team losing a game, etc...etc... Way too many to name. But the most grievous pain is the pain of the heart. The pain of the heart is one that is very difficult to heal from. That's because the pain of the heart is caused by the one you love the most, the love of your life...your one and only.
So ladies & gentlemen, my heart has failed me in my judgment of the one. My heart has convinced me for two years that I have found the one and that the search and pain and loneliness has finally ended for me. Boy am I wrong! My heart has deceived me in ways I cannot even begin to comprehend. After years prior to this, of safeguarding my heart for no-one but myself and finally finding someone worthy of my heart- that bond between myself and my heart has been broken. My heart is broken. My soul is gone. My will to live has been weakened.

Now, I am usually a very optimistic person and you all know about my previous breakup and how it affected me. I'm telling myself that this time, it's different. I may have been dumped by my ex Cody* but that doesn't mean it's the end for me. Ok maybe it's the end of any future relationship with any other man for me but I will continue to pursue my dreams and goals. 

To give you a little context as to what I am babbling about, My (ex) boyfriend of 2yrs 4 mths decided to end our relationship less than a week ago. The main reason is the distance (in this case did not make his heart grow fonder unless we physically met) which was taking a toll on him. Everything happened so quickly because:
  • We did not have the time or chance prior to that to have a serious conversation around this (it was mentioned but not taken very seriously), 
  • He wanted to get rid of the burden (i.e. the distance) as quickly as possible, 
  • I did not have enough time or brain capacity to compute everything,
  • I love (d) him so much...(who am I lying to, I still love him)
But can you blame me for loving him? We shared two years of our lives together in happy bliss and we have supported each other through our life extremes during these past few years. Additionally we were each other's best friends. We knew that going into this wont be easy and I wish we talked about closing the distance sooner which was a shame and is the goal we needed to keep this going and to motivate us. 

It's been 6 days since we split (Facebook status changed and whatnot) and I will never admit this to him but I still love him. He is the love of my life and if there was any chance that we can get back together, I will be the happiest woman on this earth. 

Now moving on, what are my plans now? I sat down and thought long and hard about my next steps in life and this is my goal for 2018 I have so far: 
  1. Quit My job (Do not renew my 2018 Contract)
  2. Permanently Migrate to Germany in 6 months (Studying my Masters or Working full time).
I know. Scary right. But its the way to go for me. Mind you, my decision to specifically move to Germany isn't influenced by Cody** at all but rather since my past few visits, I like the place, environment, people and I like the challenge of learning a new language. University inquiries have already been sent out (for the summer semester) and job applications are still rolling out. I have a solid plan here. As for Cody**? Who Knows? I believe that if we are meant to be, we will be. Love will always find a way to survive. 

For now, I'm focusing on myself. And my own goals and I will not give up. 

If you guys have any suggestions on  jobs + Masters courses in Germany next year or just some tips and pointers, feel free to send me an email in the contact form at the bottom of this page! 

Feels great to write again and I will keep you posted on updates in my life. 

1 voice outs:

Alicia Walkstein

Hey girl! I've been following you blog posts and I really thought Cody** was the one for you. You seemed so happy with him and I'm sorry to hear that he has decided to let go of the one woman who made him a better person. The one woman who understood him and went through a lot with him.

I hope it's not too late and he realizes what he has lost. Keep that passion in writing and keep your head up! Good luck with your goals!