Fuck, This Hurts...

Pain. Based on my life's experience a human being can experience many different types of pain. Pain of the mind, pain of the eyes, pain of the body, pain of the soul, pain of their limbs, pain of losing a family member, pain of losing a loved one, pain of your favorite soccer team losing a game, etc...etc... Way too many to name. But the most grievous pain is the pain of the heart. The pain of the heart is one that is very difficult to heal from. That's because the pain of the heart is caused by the one you love the most, the love of your life...your one and only.

So ladies & gentlemen, my heart has failed me in my judgment of the one. My heart has convinced me for two years that I have found the one and that the search and pain and loneliness has finally ended for me. Boy am I wrong! My heart has deceived me in ways I cannot even begin to comprehend. After years prior to this, of safeguarding my heart for no-one but myself and finally finding someone worthy of my heart- that bond between myself and my heart has been broken. My heart is broken. My soul is gone. My will to live has been weakened.

Now, I am usually a very optimistic person and you all know about my previous breakup and how it affected me. I'm telling myself that this time, it's different. I may have been dumped by my ex Cody* but that doesn't mean it's the end for me. Ok maybe it's the end of any future relationship with any other man for me but I will continue to pursue my dreams and goals. 

To give you a little context as to what I am babbling about, My (ex) boyfriend of 2yrs 4 mths decided to end our relationship less than a week ago. The main reason is the distance (in this case did not make his heart grow fonder unless we physically met) which was taking a toll on him. Everything happened so quickly because:

• We did not have the time or chance prior to that to have a serious conversation around this (it was mentioned but not taken very seriously), 
• He wanted to get rid of the burden (i.e. the distance) as quickly as possible, 
• I did not have enough time or brain capacity to compute everything,
• I love (d) him so much...(who am I lying to, I still love him)

But can you blame me for loving him? We shared two years of our lives together in happy bliss and we have supported each other through our life extremes during these past few years. Additionally we were each other's best friends. We knew that going into this wont be easy and I wish we talked about closing the distance sooner which was a shame and is the goal we needed to keep this going and to motivate us. 

It's been 6 days since we split (Facebook status changed and whatnot) and I will never admit this to him but I still love him. He is the love of my life and if there was any chance that we can get back together, I will be the happiest woman on this earth. 

Now moving on, what are my plans now? I sat down and thought long and hard about my next steps in life and this is my goal for 2018 I have so far: 

1. Quit My job (Do not renew my 2018 Contract)
2. Permanently Migrate to Germany in 6 months (Studying my Masters or Working full time).

I know. Scary right. But its the way to go for me. Mind you, my decision to specifically move to Germany isn't influenced by Cody** at all but rather since my past few visits, I like the place, environment, people and I like the challenge of learning a new language. University inquiries have already been sent out (for the summer semester) and job applications are still rolling out. I have a solid plan here. As for Cody**? Who Knows? I believe that if we are meant to be, we will be. Love will always find a way to survive. 

For now, I'm focusing on myself. And my own goals and I will not give up. 

If you guys have any suggestions on  jobs + Masters courses in Germany next year or just some tips and pointers, feel free to send me an email in the contact form at the bottom of this page! 

Feels great to write again and I will keep you posted on updates in my life. 

It's Official: Part II

Hi there everyone! October 11th. Wow, I cannot believe it's officially been two years since I broke up with that good for nothing sonuvagun! Last year I wrote this article about how I've gotten over him and how I've moved on and found myself. Well this time, I'll be relaying what has happened so far since that post. One year has passed and I'm still single!  I don't know whether I should cry or laugh at this statement. Sometimes I try to speculate on what is wrong with me? Why haven't I gotten a boyfriend yet? I mean, for God's sake I'm gonna be 23 very soon and here I am, an aging moke who's void of commitment. Okay, fine, perhaps I would be lying if I said I've never gotten any courtship offers from guys. In fact, I have been asked to be somebody's boyfriend several times but because of my impossibly high standards (read this to find out more on my ludicrous standards) I end up rejecting them. 

Rebounds have never crossed my mind at all in this one year because I think that's the most terrible thing anyone can do to someone. I mean, playing with someone's feelings and stringing them along just to satisfy your selfish need for closure/revenge? That's just mean and frankly, cruel. The word "settling" has often disturbingly crossed my mind and there was a time when I nearly settled for someone. This happened a few months ago when I was on a night out and this guy peaked my interest. We exchanged numbers and basically saw each other and hung out whenever we had the chance. Throughout our close friendship I noticed several signs that told me he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. I started to panic and completely changed my behavior towards him (No, I didn't kick him to the curb or bust the windows out his car) by being more distant and withdrawn. That didn't seem to quell his pursuit of me and when he finally asked me I told him I'd think about it. I spent a whole week avoiding his calls and ignoring him until I finally decided that I wouldn't find anything better and that I would have to settle for him. But when I met up with him I mentally changed my decision on the spot and decided NOT to settle because I valued myself too much and valued him too much to expose him to future heartaches that would be instigated by me.

Another reason why I haven't made an effort to date anyone is because I am not ready to trust a man yet. The most probable reason for this would be my experience with that ex of mine. The fact that I've been watching too much Lifetime movies about abused women in relationships who end up getting killed by their overly jealous boyfriends doesn't help. Neither does listening to Adele and Frank Ocean's songs (I'm still sure they've both been hurt by the same man). I feel like if i did get into a relationship, the guy would just eventually get bored of me and move on to someone better and then I'd be all unhappy again. In this respect, I've learned to love myself and being single because the key to learning to love someone is to love yourself first. That is something I'm doing right now, focusing on myself before actually jumping into a relationship. 

Updates on my ex, I heard he is married to this Austrian girl. I can't help but think that was way too fast! I mean it hurts to think that he got over me fast enough to get married already. Anyway, I wish him all the best in life and hope he found what was void in me in someone else. No hard feelings anymore. Another valuable lesson I've learned from this dating experience is that breaking up, being dumped or being betrayed by someone shouldn't affect you so much. Heck, if I spent the whole year thinking about every single thing he is doing, I would never be over him. Having a personal intervention is important too. This is where you seek sanctity in yourself by engaging in self-loving activities. Finding yourself and realizing that nobody in this world can dictate your value/self-worth will contribute to the betterment of your self esteem. Like I mentioned before, stop thinking of what could've been and whether the reason why he left you was because you did something wrong... Another thing you could do is to make use of your singlehood and ENJOY IT! And remember, take this single time to actually be all about YOU and not YOU and HIM. Don't worry, be happy. :) And also remember that: 

It's Official

 Hello readers. As the title suggests, its official. What's official? October 11 is official. It is now one year since my last breakup (damn, I really lasted that long!). Which means it has officially been 1 year of battling inevitable insecurities, inevitable heartbreaks, unsuccessful dates, annoying stalkers and finally getting over that son of a good woman. I am proud of myself. Why? Because if I was a very cruel person, I would've immediately looked for a rebound relationship and then I'd be in deeper shit than I am now. I mean, I have gotten offers from men and some awkward love confessions too (demanding emails and even marriage proposals ensued) and I could've settled for them if I wanted to but I stood my ground and waited until I find someone who is worthy of me and my time. Ok fine, honestly, its because they want to just be with me with the hopes of getting sex out of it- i don't do such relationships by the way- or they just weren't up to my standards (every girl must have standards for a guy, I mean, you do not want to end up dating a freak do you? Hint taken then).

Until recently, all I've had were harmless crushes that literally went nowhere and usually ended with them either suddenly disappearing, or me losing interest. Like recently, I expressed interest in a group of these foreign exchange students. It might sound like an exaggeration, but seriously they were like the saviors of my eyes...To simply put it, they were beautiful. The moment they pass in front of me, they immediately fill my thoughts with impure scenarios (I'm joking!.. or am I?). But since I never see them again, I begin to wonder if they are even worth admiring anymore. Although I knew where they lived (as creepy as that sounds), they were like an oasis in the desert; one moment they were there and the next, they had disappeared. So I decided to  divert my attention away from them and am now focusing on the super cute part-time student waiter at our local sandwich bar. All I got so far from my sleuthing is his name. So far. (His name starts with a  "K" so in future references, I shall call him "Kellan"...or "Kyle".. yeah he looks like a "Kyle" rather than a "Kellan") But in time I know that i will get more than just his name. who knows? :P

So the lesson that I have learned from this one year dating hiatus is that, breakups are never easy. they will always be hard and they get harder especially when you are in the most uncomfortable situation where you're unfortunate enough to see your ex-boyfriend every single day. That is the absolute worst but the one thing you can do to combat this is to distract yourself. Find temporary crushes or even better, be with your friends more! Stop thinking of what could've been and whether the reason why he left you was because you did something wrong... Another thing you could do is to make use of your singlehood and ENJOY IT! We know that later in life you most probably wont be single so you wont have time for yourself. take this time to actually be all about YOU and not YOU and HIM. Don't worry, be happy. :) Before I end this post, here is some advice for you. :)