Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Dear Audrina... (i.e. answering hate-mail)

Hi readers and bloggers alike and welcome to the latest installment of Confessions of a Rambling Douchess! Today's episode features a very (badly worded) recent hate-mail, a couple of witty comebacks and the biggest face palm in the history of face palms! It all began this morning when I having a nice cup of honey green tea at work. I was busy stalking some people as usual, dealing with irrate and really irritating interviewees while single-handedly trying to win level 26 of Candy Crush Saga (that annoying level that has those really tough to crack jelly). And then I get an email *ping* from my phone. I placed my tea on the table and anticipated a humorous joke from one of my high school friends. What do I see instead? A very beautifully written email from a certain somebody who has been reading my blog. Her Audrina. And here is the holy message:

Wow. If your eyes didn't grow to the size of saucers after reading this wonderfully written message then something's wrong with you. I mean for the love of Mike, Audrina is clearly telling me how she really feels about this article. I mean it bothered her to the point that she had to exhaust her vocabulary to actually write 3 whole lines! My goodness, I understand her pain! Her poor fingers must be all worn out. Ladies and gentlemen, what Audrina emailed me is called constructive criticism. Why? Because it's comments like these that  train me not to give a shit about what other people say. Especially when what they're saying is pointless and meaningless.

Which brings me to my reply to this sweet, stupid and innocent child.

>Hey Audrina! Thank you very much for your wonderful email. I hope this reply reaches you while you're in the middle or eating something that can easily get lodged in your throat you 15 year old harlot! *Ahem* Now I understand that my heavily opinionated opinion about sex has bothered you to the point that you have exhausted almost all your grammatical resources! Before I actually start sassing you, let me explain everything that is wrong with your message. Nowhere in my post did I say that sex is bad. I innocently gave my stance on sex as a whole- ACCORDING TO ME! Also, get your facts right before you actually start insulting people. READ, dammit!

>If sex is good for you then fine. Go ahead and have sex but practice safe sex of course. Who cares if you love the D? I don't. Your friends don't. I'm sure the college you're planning to go to doesn't either.  So if unless you plan on putting that on your resume, I suggest you keep it to yourself, ok? The ratio of 15 year-olds who "don't care about my opinion" are 1 to infinity- of course, you being that puny 1. Now that we've settled that part of the reply, let's move on to your "perfect" grammar.

>Look, I'm sorry for making you waste your words on me but girl you need to spend more time learning and less time talking. Don't run your mouth if you can't spell properly. Seeing as you're 15, you must be in high school. Now listen here, stop skipping English class because you obviously need it. Do you think English is a f*ing joke? People have been killed for terrible grammar, don't be a statistic!

>Seriously?Go f*ck myself? Explain how I'll be able  to do that Miss Know-It-All? Seeing as your knowledge of sex is vastly greater than mine.

In conclusion, no hate Audrina. Just think before you write something down. Honestly I've received more hate than that but that won't and will not stop me from ever giving up on this blog. To everyone else sending me hate (You know who you are...), just stop it... Hm.. wait, on the other hand, keep it up! It only makes me want to write more XD So, Audrina, I look forward to your reply and hopefully this time, you've spent some time with Mr. Dictionary!


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