Dear Audrina... (i.e. answering hate-mail)

Hi readers and bloggers alike and welcome to the latest installment of Confessions of a Rambling Douchess! Today's episode features a very (badly worded) recent hate-mail, a couple of witty comebacks and the biggest face palm in the history of face palms! It all began this morning when I having a nice cup of honey green tea at work. I was busy stalking some people as usual, dealing with irrate and really irritating interviewees while single-handedly trying to win level 26 of Candy Crush Saga (that annoying level that has those really tough to crack jelly). And then I get an email *ping* from my phone. I placed my tea on the table and anticipated a humorous joke from one of my high school friends. What do I see instead? A very beautifully written email from a certain somebody who has been reading my blog. Her name...is Audrina. And here is the holy message:

Wow. If your eyes didn't grow to the size of saucers after reading this wonderfully written message then something's wrong with you. I mean for the love of Mike, Audrina is clearly telling me how she really feels about this article. I mean it bothered her to the point that she had to exhaust her vocabulary to actually write 3 whole lines! My goodness, I understand her pain! Her poor fingers must be all worn out. Ladies and gentlemen, what Audrina emailed me is called constructive criticism. Why? Because it's comments like these that  train me not to give a shit about what other people say. Especially when what they're saying is pointless and meaningless.

Which brings me to my reply to this sweet, stupid and innocent child.

>Hey Audrina! Thank you very much for your wonderful email. I hope this reply reaches you while you're in the middle or eating something that can easily get lodged in your throat you 15 year old harlot! *Ahem* Now I understand that my heavily opinionated opinion about sex has bothered you to the point that you have exhausted almost all your grammatical resources! Before I actually start sassing you, let me explain everything that is wrong with your message. Nowhere in my post did I say that sex is bad. I innocently gave my stance on sex as a whole- ACCORDING TO ME! Also, get your facts right before you actually start insulting people. READ, dammit!

>If sex is good for you then fine. Go ahead and have sex but practice safe sex of course. Who cares if you love the D? I don't. Your friends don't. I'm sure the college you're planning to go to doesn't either.  So if unless you plan on putting that on your resume, I suggest you keep it to yourself, ok? The ratio of 15 year-olds who "don't care about my opinion" are 1 to infinity- of course, you being that puny 1. Now that we've settled that part of the reply, let's move on to your "perfect" grammar.

>Look, I'm sorry for making you waste your words on me but girl you need to spend more time learning and less time talking. Don't run your mouth if you can't spell properly. Seeing as you're 15, you must be in high school. Now listen here, stop skipping English class because you obviously need it. Do you think English is a f*ing joke? People have been killed for terrible grammar, don't be a statistic!

>Seriously?Go f*ck myself? Explain how I'll be able  to do that Miss Know-It-All? Seeing as your knowledge of sex is vastly greater than mine.

In conclusion, no hate Audrina. Just think before you write something down. Honestly I've received more hate than that but that won't and will not stop me from ever giving up on this blog. To everyone else sending me hate (You know who you are...), just stop it... Hm.. wait, on the other hand, keep it up! It only makes me want to write more XD So, Audrina, I look forward to your reply and hopefully this time, you've spent some time with Mr. Dictionary!

Adios!

9 People You Should Un-Friend From Facebook

Hello readers! As the title suggests, I am about to put you all out of the misery of having to decide which friend to let go of on Facebook. Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook has become a breeding ground for perverts, fake profiles and cyber-bullying. And also thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, it is the easiest, most efficient and fastest way to connect to friends and family. And face it, its definitely much better than Myspace (which by the way, has been transformed into this huge music/song promotion website) or Friendster (which has now been converted into a gaming site so for those of you who have rare 'back-in-the-days' photos there, forget it: they're all gone). The inspiration for this post came from having a massive clean-out of my Facebook friends list, so for those of you who used to be on my list- no hard feelings alright. It's nothing personal, just that you fit into one or more of the categories that I will describe soon. What I noticed when I did my cleanup was that I had been keeping these people for so long and after getting rid of them, I felt as if I'd just done a colon cleanse. I felt very refreshed and happy that I didn't have such a cluttered feed anymore. 

Now let's get to the 9 people that deserve to be un-friended or de-friended by you. The first person that should get the boot from your mouse is:

1. The Leech 

No... Not that leech! I mean the human leech! In this context, the definition of a leech is someone who has the tendency to like every single post (even the ones that don't make sense or those inside-joke statuses), photo, video, link or page that you liked. Basically, this person is the reason you keep getting notification pings on your cellphone (assuming you have Facebook on your mobile phone). This type of friend also enjoys commenting on every single post that you have and trust me that can get very annoying. So Unless you would like to end up in a Mental clinic because you keep hearing Facebook notifications everywhere.. I suggest you commence Operation Facebook Cleanup.

2. The Creep

 

Sure, Facebook is the ultimate breeding ground for potential pedophiles, perverts and the occasional Rosie O'Donnell enthusiast but its also a pit stop for ... The Creep. The Creep can take on any form and age. The Creep is that one human being on your Facebook friend's list who has updated their status four times in one year. The Creep never changes his profile photo (in fact, his photo is the same one he has been using ever since he created his account), never likes or comments on anybody's post, never comes online, and doesn't have more than 5 photos of 'himself' i.e. photos of him taken at an angle whereby their face cannot be seen clearly. Since facebook is all about keeping up with people... what's the point of having such a person on your friend-list when there's nothing to keep up with?     

3. Drama McSasspants a.k.a. The Firecracker

Every once in a while you will spot a few fights and spats going on in Facebook, indeed that is normal. But then there is always that one person on your list who is the initiator of those fights and never gets along with anyone? That same person is also the one who writes the rudest comments on other people's posts and causes trouble whenever she deems necessary. So unless you want to someday be dragged into the crossfire, it's best to avoid the situation by un-friending them.

4. The Attention Whore

Note that even though I used the word "whore" this label applies to both the male and female gender

. This type of friend really sticks out like a sore thumb on your Facebook friend's list. This is because they are the ones that posts a photo of themselves captioned 'OMG, I'm so UGLY! Why?!' (girls) or "I'm packin!" (guys) in the hopes of getting positive comments complimenting them instead of agreeing with them (I wonder what would happen if they actually received a comment that agreed with the caption? I guess that would be when Captain Ouch and General Facepalm will pay them a visit). The Attention Whore also tends to post too many meaningless status updates, check into every single place she visits, links her Twitter and YouTube accounts to her Facebook so that whatever she posts on those website will automatically be updated onto her page and your feed too. This needs immediate extermination.

5. Itchy Fingers

This friend is one who is very common in almost everyone's Facebook friend's list. the reason why 'Itchy Fingers' is such an appropriate label is because this friend's finger is so itchy when it comes in contact with a keyboard, especially  when logged onto Facebook that they just. Cannot. Resist. Adding you into groups without your consent, tagging you onto their statuses or any of their posts, sharing posts onto your wall and adding you as an administrator in certain groups. All this is usually done without your approval. Itchy Fingers also loves sending you gaming requests and tagging you onto their photos. The most annoying thing about them is that they never seem to get the hint. It even comes to the point whereby you've changed your Facebook tag settings to "Need Permission to Tag". Why would you do all that when a "Remove from friends" button exists?

6. That One Timer

Anyone you know can be a One Timer. A One Timer is basically that one guy/girl you met at a store and struck up some conversation with but never met again, or that person that sat behind you in History class in 1996 and whom you've never met since then or even that stranger that smiled at you at a social event and let's not forget your very distant relative whom you've heard of but have never met. The obvious pattern that exists with this type of Facebook friend is that you have never, ever seen them again! And what's worse is that, the chances of you ever seeing them again is slimmer than Miley Cyrus. Besides not having anything else in common with the One timer other than the fact that you clapped eyes on each other and exchanged a few words, there is really no point in having them on your list of friends. 

7. Religion 2.0

Have you ever logged onto your Facebook homepage and all of a sudden there's Jesus this and Jesus that or anything to do with religion blowing up your feed? Well, the person who is definitely responsible for that intrusion is known as Religion 2.0. This is that friend(s) on Facebook that constantly posts religious messages, videos, links and status updates. They also tend to repost or share religious photos and sometimes tag people onto those messages(most of the time they tag people who are severely astray and destined to go to hell). I'm not saying that posting anything religious is a bad thing, in fact, it is encouraged, but -like everything else in this world- there is a limit to what an individual can tolerate. Don't be an online Jehovah's Witness (Really. Don't. Nobody really likes them anyway.) So unless you really enjoy seeing way too many religious messages on your wall, then thoust hath bett'r be gonest.

8. That One Foreigner 

Hey, remember that time you went to [INSERT FOREIGN COUNTRY HERE] and met that really helpful boy/girl who toured you around the city and had very terrible English that only you could decipher? and then later spent your time with them? Yeap, most of us do. That One Foreigner usually posts status updates in their native language so besides not being able to understand anything they post, or only being able to comment on their photos (which in itself is very awkward because you're the only one commenting in English... so yeah...), there's really no point in having them there. Besides, it's not like you're gonna go back to that country and find them again. Exactly.

9. A Complete Stranger

Before going on, let me clarify one thing for you. A Stranger is defined as:

A person whom one does not know or with whom one is not familiar, [Definition from Google.com]
Hey, Didn't ya'll mamma's tell you not to add strangers? Now would be the time to heed that warning as no good ever comes out of it. The worst thing about having someone you have never seen before is that they almost always turn out to be complete perverts or are too good to be true. Avoid adding these people because some of them actually turn out to be hackers who only need your online details to drain your bank account dry. Suffice to say, only 0.01% of strangers we add on Facebook actually turn out to be pleasant and not perverted. Nevertheless: Do not add strangers. Period.

Hopefully this will help you decide the friends on your Facebook list that need to be exterminated. Hopefully you enjoy this post and if you think there are many more categories that I have missed out, don't hesitate to either leave a comment below or send it to my email in the 'Contact Me' box at the end of the entire page. Until then, Goodbye!