How [NOT] to ask a girl out- The T.O.A.S.T Way!

Hello readers! I hope you are all doing well. Today's post is all about LOVE. Well, not exactly. It's just another piece of wisdom from my personal love journal. The content of my love journal comes courtesy of my heart, soul and experience. This is to say that every tip and advice that is in this post has been experienced by me. As per the title, this post aims to once again, address the issues that we all face when it comes to the opposite (or same) gender. The target for this post is the male gender (sorry, ladies)! Now, guys, have you ever wondered why she never texted you back? Why she didn't respond to that text you wrote on her Facebook wall? Why can't even spare you a passing glance after you asked her out that one time (and got blown off)? Well, obviously it's because there's something you aren't doing right at all!

That is why I have come up with some tips that could help you overcome this issue of being rejected because let's face it, nobody likes being rejected. Makes you feel like shit. Unlike other blogs or advice columns that tell you how to ask a girl out, this post will tell you how not to ask a girl out. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to... T.O.A.S.T. No, I wasn't trying to spell toast- it's an acronym for the five tips that I have procured.

T: Texting

O: One Liners

A: At the Club

S: Social Networking

T: The Friend

Before I begin, I'd like to outline that these tips are not foolproof and hence, they do not work for everybody. This is just my way of trying to help you guys out and since I am a woman, I think it's better that I give a little insight into what the male gender are doing wrong when they are asking a girl out. Let's get on with it shall we? 

1. T for Texting

Issue: It is a well known fact that asking a girl out through a text message is the best way to do it because then you won't be a nervous wreck in front of her plus it saves her the horror of seeing you sweat (which grosses her out and causes her to reject you). WRONG. Asking a girl out through a meaningless, cheap 5 to 15 cent text message (even worse, imagine it  was rife with slang like this: H3y, Wanna go oUt wif meh?) is one of the worst ways to ask her out. It's also really creepy too. And weird. From my experience girls usually react to this manner of courtship with disgust. Most of the time they wonder why the guy couldn't just go up to them and ask them in person. Well, girls, sometimes you don't make it easy for them with your spellbinding attractiveness (trust me, our beauty intimidates guys a lot). The thing is, texting a girl shows that you are a coward, not brave enough to ask her out in person which isn't something you want her to think of you at all. The girl would also assume that you aren't even bothered to exert enough effort into seeing her in person.

Solution: Be a man and grow some balls. March up to her and ask her out like a MAN!  Girls actually like it when a guy asks them out because it feels more genuine and less artificial than texting her. Also it's more sincere and it shows her the effort (it may not seem so important to you but we girls tend to notice and acknowledge these little things) that you have put into seeing her. 

2. O for One Liners

Issue:  Not all girls find one liners/pickup lines "cute" or "adorable". Movie girls, sure, they love one liners. In fact, It's the best way to get into their pants, but real girls find them lame and idiotic. Usually, in order not to hurt your feelings, they would just laugh at them and slowly inch away from you. Besides, one liners should've been extinct by now (I'm surprised they're still in use!). Hey 2013, 1996 wants it's pick up lines back! What's worse than a one liner is one that was ripped off the internet so many times and altered by so many people. Guys, just don't okay. Just don't. Asking a girl out in the form of a one liner (Eg: If a country was named after you, it'd be called WillYouGoOutWithMe-nia) is terrible. It just makes you sound like a copy of George Clooney and that is a terrible thing. Once again, 1996 wants it's one liners back.

Solution: The only solution to this would be to erase every memory of any one liner. Also burn that book of one liners that you bought from a bookstore because that won't get you the girl. Instead of a one liner, a simple joke would be a great way to start things off without making yourself the subject of the joke.

3. A for At the Club

Issue:  I cannot begin to fathom why most guys think it's a good idea to ask a girl out, in a noisy-ass club filled with liquor and spirits with people gyrating around you. The whole environment of the club makes it the worst place to ask anybody out. I remember this one time I was with my friend at a club and this guy approaches her and asks her out. Over the extremely loud wailing of Pitbull, she misheard him and though he asked her if he could feel her up. She gave him the tightest slap (tighter than Chris Hemsworth's abs) and we left that place. That is one of the discrepancies and dangers of asking a girl out at a club and some others include, being misunderstood, impaired hearing and the highest possibility of being rejected. When a guy asks a girl out at a club, the chances are, that she is already drunk (or soon to be drunk) and will probably forget about you in the next 30 minutes upon introduction or that she is so into the music that she won't even realize that you are asking her out. Also picture this. You are about to ask her out when suddenly some drunk guy starts gyrating himself on her. How unromantic is that?

Solution:  Ask her out anywhere else BUT the club. Preferably somewhere quiet, private and more importantly devoid of people gyrating against one of you. Also the absence of wine and spirits is good too.

4. S for Social Networking

Issue:  Have you ever asked her out in the form of a comment on one of her photos or statuses? Have you ever posted "Will you go out with me?" ( or anything of a similar variant) on her wall/profile? Have you ever *GASP* tagged her in a lovey dovey photo asking her out? Then you, my friend must've been rejected plenty of times. The social network is too public to ask a girl out. The girl might actually feel obliged to say yes to save you the embarrassment of your request going unanswered. In fact, she might be a little angry that you would ask her in such a manner. Once again, this shows a lack of effort in actually bothering to ask her out. Worse, still, she might just UN-friend and block you. The social network is a veil upon which people tend to hide behind for fear of being REJECTED (the dreaded R-word). Most guys think this is a good way to ask girls out but it just pisses them off.

Solution:  See No.2

5. T for The Friend

Issue:  Personally, this method really pisses me off. The girls I've interviewed also reacted the same way when I asked them how they would react if a guy asked their close friend to ask you out for them. Most of them confessed that it was a huge turn off. Most of them felt like they were in high school again when you were passing gum along from one person to another. A large percentage felt that it wasn't as private as it should've been and that it felt strange wimpy. Guys, even if a gun was being forced onto your forehead, DO NOT... EV-ER ask her friend to ask her out on your behalf. it's just so... wimpy. And it just automatically reduces the last remaining manhood you have. The main issue here is that she might think you aren't taking her seriously enough to ask her yourself instead of sending someone on your own errand. And she'll feel like you were too lazy to tell her yourself. (Girls, remember, don't shoot the messenger, shoot the sender).

Solution:  Guys, just ask her out already! I mean, come on! I know that she may seem intimidating but trust me, when you ask her out yourself, she will have some new found respect for you and would appreciate the gusto that you put into asking her out. Personal engagement is also another way of flattering her, by telling her that you respect her enough to come face to face with her and meet her. Bravo, champion.

Good Luck, Amigos!

Sh*t Guys do Before Asking a Girl Out

So there's this girl in your class and you see each other everyday and even talk to each other on a daily basis and sometimes she's the main character of your wet dreams boys, but you still go numb and stutter like a typewriter when it comes to asking her out. What the fuck is the problem? You like her, you're within stalking distance of her... go for it! The mistake that some guys make when trying to ask a girl out is by approaching her at a really bad time and expecting her to give a positive answer and instead get slapped in the face with an immediate rejection. Or another mistake they make is they WAIT UNTIL THE TIME IS RIGHT. Uh... did Christopher Columbus fucking wait until it was "the right time" to discover America? Or did Andres Iniesta wait until the game was over to score the winning goal for Spain in the World Cup? (Yes, I do know something about football...) NO! You know what? Let me list down all the mistakes made by men/boys when it comes to asking a girl out. 

MISTAKE NUMBER 1: ASSUMPTIONS

A very common mistake made by guys before asking a girls out is that they tend to assume her relationship status instead of doing the sensible thing and uh.. investigating! The most common assumption is that because "she is too beautiful to be true she must have a boyfriend", or that "she's too pretty to be with a guy like me". Just because a girl is pretty doesn't mean that she should automatically have a boyfriend (unless this is some new trend I dont know about hm...). She could be all hot and shit but she's single and ready to mingle! So before assuming that she has a hunky, Chris Hemsworth type boyfriend (oh swoon...), do the most sensible thing and investigate! Ask her friends and all that and get what you're looking for! Likewise dont assume she would never go for a guy like you; she might have a queer liking for guys like you or you might even be her type so stop acting like Alvin the Chipmunk on Advil. 

MISTAKE NUMBER 2: WAITING

If there was a penny for the number of guys who wait for a girl to make the first move or wait for the right time, I would be a fu**king millionaire! Too many guys fall into this category and the statistics show that these guys are f*king idiots for doing so! I mean, seriously? If you wait for her, its like waiting for the next Halley's Comet to pass by. And most people dont know this but according to a research conducted by yours truly involving her very willing friends and colleagues, the attractiveness of the one you crush on has a scale. the longer you wait for her, the less attractive she becomes and the more likely your interest in her will waver and diffuse onto someone else (usually someone better looking). 

MISTAKE NUMBER 3: WORD RAPE

"Uh.. hey [insert name of love interest here]... Uh, I think you're really pretty... and so gorgeous. You have really nice hair and really pretty lips... would you, like to go out with me sometime?" This line will be rewarded with a large IGNORE sign and the privilege of being number 1 on her list of people to avoid. 

"Hey babes... I couldn't help but notice how beautiful you are. Your lips make Angelina Jolie's look like a man's, your eyes remind me of [insert compliment here], your body has more curves that a crinkle cut fry, your sexiness...[continues with more compliments]" You wouldn't be better off with this line either. This would get you a one way ticket to I DONT KNOW YOU town which is right next to LOSERVILLE. These two lines are just a pea in a pod of lines which are referred to (in my terms) as word raping. Its like raping her with your words and then subconsciously forcing her to agree to go out with you to repay your favor. She feels like you're attacking her with your lips, like you're raping her with your compliments. Many guys tend to do this not realizing that you come off sounding fake and that you just seem like a player. 

[Word Raping: (noun) The act of bombarding someone with an Everest of compliments and making them feel obliged to reciprocate your "kind words" in any way.] 

And the worst and perhaps the deadliest mistake any and all guys usually make is....

MISTAKE NUMBER 4: CONFIRMATION
This is when a guy immediately confirms that just because the girl of his interest has glanced at him on several occasions, she (OMG) likes him! Dude, calm your balls. She could've glanced at you for just that reason- its a freaking glance and probably doesn't mean anything at all! Or maybe she spotted something utterly disgusting on your face and keeps glancing to check if you have noticed and are making any effort to get rid of it. There's a difference between a glance and a stare- Google it. Because of this most guys tend to rush into it and ask a girl out without even confirming that she likes him back.

So readers those are the top four common mistakes that most guys tend to make when asking a girl out. Physically. In the eve of next week, i will post a similar post but it will be related to online dating. Stay tuned and don't f*k around!

XOXO