Friday, August 10, 2012

I do... not yet

Morning bloggers and readers. The inspiration for today's post is marriage. Recently I have been plagued with questions from my other friends on "Did you know blah blah got married/is engaged/ is going to get married this weekend?" Whoah, Whoah, WHOAH! Do I hear the 1800s knocking on the door? What happened to the conventional I-wont-get-married-until--establish-my-career-first paradigm? Since when was getting married in college a sudden trend? The worst part, I cant keep up with this trend. 75% of my friends are happily married. How is that is even plausible. In my mind, I cannot even begin to fathom the idea of me being somebody's wife. Is there a handbook for that?

If there ever was it would definitely be titled The Clueless College Chick's Guide to Being Someone's Wife. How fitting -_- I'm not saying if someone proposed to me I wouldn't consider it, but the likelihood of me agreeing quickly to it is one in a hundred million. Besides the whole process involves a few impossible to fulfill steps. 

- Scanning (aka stalking)
- Selecting (aka seducing)
- Attacking (aka getting together)
- Captured (aka no escape)

Computer geeks, sorry to disappoint but this has nothing to do with the technical computer scanning. Now leave. This is the stage whereby we all begin by scanning the gene pool (the good side) for potential candidates. We cant just close our eyes and pick whatever comes our way! How ridiculous does that sound! What I mean is. dont go for the impossible. Go for the possible and make him impossible to get (Shit, look at me giving out advice like I'm freaking Nigella Lawson ). At this stage, the rule is to look but dont stare. Staring is rude but looking is your right, its your eyes so look all you want, stare at your own risk. So after scanning, just move forward and then strike while the iron is hot! This means you fight tooth and nail to discover their real name, then google them and start looking through your friend's  Facebook/Myspace/Instagram photos for them. Then you stalk them for a maximum of 2 months - 1 month for those who aren't patient (No more, no less!) and then after that its the anonymous inbox. This involves in-boxing your object of your stalking with something creepier than the Joker's face. NEVER send them something like,

"Hey gorgeous, I saw you walking towards [insert location here] and I wanted to get to know you better, so I found your profile and added you." Seriously? He's gonna think you're the fucking witness protection program or something. Calm down, why in the world would you hint that you were stalking him for? Tis inbox will often be rewarded with a big, fat BLOCK plus an IGNORE (ouch).

Desist from sending them shit like this,

"Hey sexy, I wanna F*** with you and [insert the nastiest comments here]" or "You make me so [insert the sleaziest comments here]" That will give you a one way ticket to Pervert Town. So instead of sending crap like that, send some thing simple like "Hello", "Hi" or even "How are you :) ". They will most likely respond and hesitate to click the block button even. so from this stage comes the next stage.

Also known as the seducing stage. This is where you start communicating regularly with them to the extent that when they dont respond to your texts you think of possible reasons why they couldn't reply. You become a raging maniac by checking their status update and contemplating on whether you should comment or not or like it or not. At this stage, your mind is filled with only the person of attraction hat you dont realize how crazily you're reacting. at this stage, Facebook chats become, Skype exchanges and then Kik buddies and ultimately Whatsapp/Kik buddies. Also, in this stage seduction is key. If you screw up in this stage, you screwed up the whole thing. Some of the major screw ups involved in this stage is when both parties are over excited when it comes to replying their texts or replying too soon or replying too late. I swear by the 5 minute rule- wait for 5 minutes and then respond because that way, if he/she is interested then he might try harder to gain your attention instead of you giving him your full attention like the confetti at the 4th of july parade.

In my definition this stage is better known as the getting together stage. Now it may sound easy but then its difficult as fuck! Firstly most text buddies seem to wonder how in the world they would get with that person. Simple- a fucking first date will suffice. The problem is how to ask the person out without sounding like a Pee Wee Herman at a kid's Bar Mitzvah. Even simpler. Just make your first outing together a casual thing and tell him to invite his friends and say that you will invite yours. BULLSHIT!

It is a well known psychological fact that when both parties say they will invite their friends to an outing they usually turn up alone and hence you both get that alone date that you always dreamed of. The next step is the actual date itself. Most of us make the mistake of pretending to be busy with our phones (especially those cursed with a smartphone) whenever the moment gets silent and awkward. DESIST and ask even the dumbest questions. That way he will think you are an amazing girl who is open minded and really cool. SHIt, he's just going to get to know you better. From there on, several dates will occur, but how they occur is the mind boggler. It is a known tradition that the girl usually waits for the guy to call/text. What the fuck for? this time, the woman should calm her tits and ask him out so that he wouldn't think you're uninterested and ignore you.

Perhaps the best stage yet (to some) is the trapped stage or the no-escape stage. this is when you have them at the palm of your hand and when they cannot escape and have no choice but to ask for your hand in marriage or they would lose you to the next guy. of course i'm being sarcastic here, they CAN escape but they chose a more tortuous path and choose to marry you instead. Simple mechatronics.

So all in all guys, I'm not some relationship phobic girl, I'm just a normal girl who is trying to escape from being married too early (while trying to avoid those aforementioned steps). We're not in the era of Tutankhamen, we're in the millenia and unlike Kim Kardashian, not all of us have men who throw themselves at us at every chance they get. If you want true love, you get up on your fucking ass and follow that stripper named Destiny and she will lead you to another one called true love.

Ahoy mateys!

PS: This post is not a jab, jib or jibe at any insanely young married couples. Its just an expression of my opinion and if you do feel insulted, sorry brah, I cant help you out there. Either read it and weep or GTFO. All hail the freedom of speech.


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